E- date with Kaz.

Afro: What perfume do you just have to have in your handbag?

Kaz: Covet by Sarah Jessica Parker

Afro: what’s your favourite scent of all times?

Kaz: Cinnamon

Afro: If I open your car boot, what I’m I likely to find?

Kaz: The spare tyre

Afro: How many languages do you speak

Kaz:Three and a half

Afro: Are you lonely?

Kaz: Yes

Afro: What’s the first thing you notice about someone you like?

Kaz: Their sense of humour

Afro: Dress or trouser?

Kaz: Dress

Afro:White or black man?

Kaz: Brotha

Afro: What’s the craziest thing you ever did?

Kaz: Not answer that question...

Afro: Are you in love?

Kaz: Always

Afro: When are you truly happy?

Kaz: When I'm asleep

Afro: Are you like your parents?

Kaz: Unfortunately yes

Afro: what don’t people know about you that you would like them to know?

Kaz: I'm not a naked person

Afro: Five people you would like to meet and why…dead or alive

Kaz: Nelson Mandela..coz it's Nelson mandela
Jesus.. I'd like to know what this is all about
Kanye west.. we just gotta work together
Richard Branson.. I'd like to know what problems people experience when you have that much money..surely you can buy them away.

Afro: What do you watch on Kenyan TV?

Kaz: Absolutely nothing!

Afro: If you could speak to one type of animal, which would it be?

Kaz: Cockroaches

Afro: What’s the first thing that crossed your mind when you heard about those pictures?

Kaz: Well...Let's get drunk!

Afro: Who has made the biggest impact in your life?

Kaz: It's between my parents, Jimmi Hendrix and my cousin Wanuri Kahiu

SWEET& SOUR

I am sure you know this picture, if you do; you are a client of Kenya’s biggest coffee house. In my world, nothing beats a hot Mocha on a cold Nairobi evening; make it a double in fact!
In recent days though, it has not been easy enjoying my favourite cup at the Java Koinange where I have almost become part of the furniture.

I love my coffee, but, I do not like paedophiles.

I don’t usually watch the NTV news at 9, I prefer another channel, but on this night, I had to bear with Basset Bayuka for a while, I was waiting for their headline news, a breaking news story about a Nairobi Business man arrested for child abuse, and step by step, Robert Nagilla narrated as if it was a Mexican soap, complete with sound tracks and blank screen with time text on it. The man, was Jon Wagner, CEO of Java Coffee House, my heart started to falter.

I have met Jon a couple of times, on official and personal basis, and I must admit I liked him, the big burly American with an equally big attitude. I found him very attractive, with a cocky sense of humour. His style? Always in black T shirts and blue American jeans, and if ever you see him dressed differently ask me for 1,000 bob! (Apart from the court hearings perhaps).

We talked about his coffee house, his coming to Africa, back in the day when he was 16, young and eager to catch on Nairobi life. I would not call him an African, but any man who knows Modern Green Bar when he was sixteen can only be classified as a Kenyan, he told me about his son, about 8 yrs old at the time, and some children he assists from time to time, from politics to searching for a wife; we had a great laugh.

So when I see on TV that he has been accused of child molestation, I panic. But I keep watching, waiting to hear what really happened, two girls both below 13 direct police to Jon’s house in the wee hours of the morning, claiming he had repeatedly abused them for a weekend or so. I am a woman, and those are stories that send the chills down my spine.

In the days that follow, the press is full of it, “American tycoon in child sex case” and I coil inside, I go for my Mocha, and send him a text, just to say hello, he responds, he says I have been quiet for a while; I cannot ask him about the stories. My coffee mate, Nimo, has since asked me to start drinking at Savanna, saying else I am supporting a paedophile, I am confused. Should I boycott the java? In this case Jon is guilty until proven innocent, when many times it is the other way aound.

We like to listen to the media, and have learned to believe in them, but I still have questions. Two women of legit age supposedly brought the girls to Jon, they were arrested, but the two girls, the young ones were new to Nairobi, how did they know the direction to Jon’s house in the middle of lavington at 6.00am in the morning?

Could there have been something we don’t know? Could he have been fixed by some individual we don’t know? Or did he rape those kids, am looking for answers, which I can’t find in the press…it’s in court now, and I pray for God’s sake that Jon was not a fool enough to molest those little girls, and if he did, may he pay the price!

Like the picture; Life is SWEET, and sometimes, SOUR!

LESSON 101 ON DATING A MARRIED KENYAN MAN

Before I go on, you must know that I will not pretend it does not happen. It's a dogs life, their wives do not like it, their husbands love it. We live in a society that’s full of mistresses, so this goes out to all the ladies who agree to this moral bankruptcy, if the title of this blog offends you, this is the time to stop reading it. Don’t shoot the mistress, she does not owe allegiance to you.

LESSON NO. 1….DO NOT FALL IN LOVE

· Know your priorities and stick with them. Good sex, lots of fun, shopping, travelling…in whichever order, but please, don’t fall in love, unless you are ready for a major heartbreak.

LESSON NO.2….UP YOUR GAME
· You must be what he has been dreaming of in bed, resource is overwhelming! Google, Cosmo, dig in!!!!I heard this from a group of men I met in a Nairobi club.” You can never get good head at home, so I might as well learn to dance, am parked at a good spot downstairs”. Enough said.

LESSON NO. 3….NUMBERS DO MATTER.
· You are the mistress, not the wife. She is number one, you are number 2. He does not owe you his time, his money, or his love, though he will want to spend most of those with you, but don’t expect a call once he gets home, “got here well, it was great”, if he does it’s a bonus.

LESSON NO. 4……THIS WAY OUT DRAMA MAMA
· You are not his wife; he gets the drama at home with madam dear, if you can’t help it, then you are wife material, leave and find a man to marry you. Your role as a mistress is to spoil him, shower him with praise, enjoy his presence and let him know it; you are his number one fan, and sometimes this will come back in four fold! No screaming when he does not call, take it like a lady, ignore it.

LESSON NO.5…..HIS NEW TITLE…MR. DIAL
· Getting caught means many times the end. So leave this to him, do not call, do not text, let him have the upper hand.

LESSON NO.6….. THE 50 MILE RULE
· Don’t call his wife, even if she works in your office, don’t look for her, delete her number from your phone, so you don’t do a drunk and dial. She is none of your business, and he will not leave her, and tracking her down won’t help you. Stay away from Madam dear!

LESSON NO. 7….GET A LIFE
· You will get lonely, a lot. Find a hobby, join a club, get fun stuff to do over the weekends when he is most likely will be with his family.

A WHITE MAN'S GUIDE TO DATING A NAIROBI GIRL

I am lucky to have been in Nairobi for a while now, if 8 years can be classified as a while. I have been lucky to have travelled here and there, passed through African Airports, and the majority of books on that are a quick sale, are a guide to a city, which usually includes a map, names of malls and places to spend a Saturday afternoon, a number of discos, and white restaurants, so here is to the white brothers…. A 5 point guide to dating a Nairobi girl.

LOCATION! LOCATION! LOCATION
Location is everything. Ask your hotel front office to give you a good cabbie, tell him to take you around, ask for Westlands, it’s safe, up town and there are quite a few clubs that extend to the terrace, and if you see lots of white people, that could be your first stop.

WHITE MAN ALARM
If you are alone, you are a good target. In Nairobi, you can’t easily tell the girls. They are not always in trashy, shiny clothes, they could as well look like they just got out of work with car keys in hand, a hand bag and semi formal outfits. It depends on what you are looking for, and there are two types here. There are the pay girls, and then there are those who just want to hook up with a white man, it’s called Amazon fever, they swear they can never date a black man, you will laugh at the reasons.

SAMANTHA FEVER
She always has a weave, long and heavy; sometimes it’s a wig, complete with big bangs. Her style is elegant, she is beautiful, tall, skinny and dark, shiny lips, walks like a model. Her image is a mix between elegant and hopeful. She dances seductively, smokes suggestively, and looks you in the eye, if you keep holding her gaze, she will know you have jungle fever. (Looking for a black girl)

LIGHTER PLEASE
She holds a Benson& Hedges in her hand, pouting as she asks you for a lighter, if you don’t smoke, she will ask you if you need company. She is very smart, she even knows American politics, if she doesn’t, then she will make you laugh. She may ask you for money, this is the point you decide what it’s going to be. She will give you her number; many times she is a 3rd year law student and sometimes studying architecture, you can buy her a dink, just don’t leave her with yours when you take a leak.

NEXT PLEASE
Kenyan women are very brash, if they sit with you, then they like your company, and if they don’t like you, yet sit with you, and then they are looking for money, don’t trust your gut, no one falls in love in one night. Please go back to your room without a girl, but come back to club again, same faces, change clubs as proposed by your cabbie, and slowly, you learn that Kenyan girls are few, and they hang out in the same clubs you will.